Stephanie Guerilus

You never know what someone is going through. Not until it’s too late at times.

Kate Spade is another reminder of all that shimmers isn’t gold. The iconic fashion designer was found dead of an apparent suicide on Tuesday. She was only 55 and  a powerhouse with 150 stores nationwide and 175 internationally with millions in her bank account and none of that could fill the void in her. My heart goes out to her family and loved ones.

Suicide is an act that I’d never take but I’ve got no judgment. None at all. That kind of attitude goes against what I was raised to believe which is that taking your own life is the ultimate sin. In the church, you’ve got to give it God and tell the pastor what’s wrong. Depression is routinely treated as a bad mood or demonic spirit that the prayer warriors can fix and licensed counselors aren’t really needed. This frame of reference is not an indictment.  A lot of people genuinely do believe that if you just read the Bible enough and leave it all at the altar, your breakthrough will come. I’m waiting on mine.

I’m just going to be honest. I’m not happy. I’m not suffering from depression or suicidal but I’m just not happy.  There’s a gulf of space between living your best life, going through the motions and wanting to end it all. I’m in the middle as I suspect most are. I am stuck in place where I just wake up, shower, put one foot in front of the other and watch as the days blend into one another. There are many frustrations weighing on me and I’ve fallen to my knees in prayer because that’s what I’ve been taught to do. At times, it seems like a chore born out of guilt. I’ve lost count over how many times I’ve been told that I’m just not praying hard enough and that God would’ve heard me by now if I were really trying. Even cutting my hair seemed to have some Satanic implication if you let some people tell it. I guess it’s the same devil that possessed me when I was 19 because I liked a guy who was 27. I’ve been laughed at for seeking the help of professionals because what can they do that God can’t? That if he brought you to it, he’ll bring you through it. That you’re being tested and he only uses the strong.

Even DMX thinks so. I went to my first concert in January and pastor X gave a few words of wisdom. In his own way of course.

I share all this not to mock my faith but to let it be known that there is no shame. You can love God and still step outside the church for help. None of us really has all our shit together. I don’t.. My struggle isn’t the same or severe as the next person but we’re all a bunch of Effie’s. We’ve all got pain.

My friend, LaJaneé Scott (IG @_lajanee_) has one of the most larger than life personalities that I know and she’s been open about her experiences. Her recent Facebook post is raw, to the point and worth sharing.

Depression is so real & is completely different from sadness.

Depression is a state of mind, dark place, a lost place. Sadness is just a damn feeling.

Depression is literally like walking around w/a weight on your body that makes you weep in silence. No matter who calls, you can’t shake it.

You can’t fuck it away, drink it away, spend it away, or run it away. It’s like a gnat that won’t go away.

With sadness, one person calls & you’re instantly not sad anymore.

I talk about depression & anxiety a lot (y’all know this). People really gotta stop acting like folks can just snap out of it or have enough money to not suffer from shit.

Therapy is good. Therapy is great & it saved my damn life.

Y’all can keep on playing w/shit & act like you gon’ ‘pray everything away, if you want to.

Better take yo depressed ass to a therapist after you pray. Suicide attempts are real.

Stop discounting people & telling them to talk to God. They also need to talk to a damn therapist & possibly need medication.

Kate Spade was depressed & used her own scarf to hang herself. I’m sure somebody told her to not worry about it (her issue).

It feels like I’ve already put too much out there but we’re all holding something back from view. Ego and pride won’t let us share what’s stealing our joy. It’s just easier to keep up with the Jones’ of Facebook; sharing smiling pictures and moments in time. I’ve done it and have become quite at an expert at it. I won’t use Facebook as my own personal diary but I will upload photos that often seem like I haven’t got a care in the world when I know the truth; there’s nothing behind my eyes. I’m just there in body.

I’ve been carrying a lot of pain and the load is getting easier. There used to be a time I never wanted anyone to know that I was a victim of sexual abuse. I couldn’t even speak the words. I went to therapy for a year and talked about the weather or my grades. On the very last session, I wrote a note to my counselor about what happened to me as a child. Restoring myself emotionally, mentally and spiritually has not been an easy process but I’m fortunate to have people that care and are prating for me. I don’t take it for granted at all but also know that it takes more than that.

Check in on your strong friends; the ones who always seem to bear the burdens of everyone else and are always there. They just might be tapping into their reserves for that strength. Take the time to really ask and mean it when you wonder how someone is doing. I’ve had folks tell me that I’m far too nice. Some don’t deserve it but an act of kindness can go a mighty long way for someone who may need it. If I’m quiet, it’s not because I have nothing to say. I’ve got so much to say but it’s hard to say the words and I know I’m not alone in that feeling.

If you are having suicidal thoughts and need someone to talk to, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number at 1-800-273-8255 and the Crisis Text Line is 741741.